Misguided Fear

My phone vibrates and I glance down to see a group message from my friend and Executive Director of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. A long-time JDRF volunteer met the Lord last week. Young, healthy, fit, devoted husband and father, but none of these is a match for type 1 diabetes. Only God can truly manage a pancreas.

Fear flows through my body like hot lava oozing its way to my eyes and out in the form of heavy tears. Why is this disease so horrible and hard to manage? I was just getting comfortable with the kids going out on their own and not a wreck with Sam on his constant travels for work…alone in a hotel room. Our lot is a house with three out of four having this disease.

Don’t I deserve to be fearful? Isn’t that my right?

A soft whisper enters my soul, “everything is permissible, but not all things are beneficial.” I Corinthians 6:12, a memory verse from years ago.

My rational, Bible study girl mind knows that fear is not from God. So why is it such a commanding boss in my life?

This life is so brutally hard. So many terrible things can and do happen. Nothing is truly in our control.

As I have been reflecting on fear the past few weeks, rattling off the many things I am fearful of – some big and some pathetically small – a soft steady chorus in my spirit has been, “but do you fear the Lord more?”

I wrestle with this. Why in the world would I fear the Lord? It is when fear is so deep and so terrifying that all I know to do is give it to God. When it is beyond my physical, emotional, mental capacity to carry any longer, the Lord feels like the only safe place to retreat. And He is. But the Bible talks about fear of the Lord on hundreds of occasions, and I continue to hear the refrain over and over in my quiet time.

Do I take the fear of the Lord lightly? Do I brush it off as merely awe, reverence, respect...which it is, but could it also be fear…that powerful emotion that demands prioritization of all that flows from it?

Francis Chan said, “The reality is, whoever you are, the moment you see God, you are going to fear Him.”  We see this in the Bible. People encounter God or His messengers and there is clearly fear. Awe, for sure. Reverence, absolutely. But also fear. Real fall-on-your-face and tremble fear. Is God that big, powerful, reverently fearful to me?

Yes, God is love, and God is also a consuming fire. God is mercy, and God is justice. God is creator, and God is slayer. God will bring forth new life, and God will judge, punish, destroy. God longs to take us under His wings, and God is to be feared. But God is always good.

I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Luke 12:4-5

The devil works hard to transfer the fear of the Lord to a fear of other things, all distracting me from my loyalty to, and fear of, God, the only one worthy of my fear. Only perfect love – God – can cast out fear. I can’t pep talk my way to being unafraid or alter circumstances to eliminate its stronghold. Only God.

If fear is the opposite of faith, are my steady streams of fear revealing a lack of faith? That gets my attention. 

Is God life to me as much as the insulin my family takes? Do I fear separation from God or missing quite time like I would a missed dose of life giving medicine?

Do I fear for the eternal salvation of my family and friends more than their wellbeing here on earth? Do I believe God loves them more than I do?

Do I fear dropping balls, adverse future outcomes, other people’s opinions more than I fear obedience to God? Do I believe God is good and has good plans?

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, pioneer of near death studies and the stages of grief, says, “There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt.” 

Fear is always a reaction to a negative perceived future outcome related to something I love. They seem to be connected. But I think that is a flawed way to look at it.  There is no fear in love. All future outcomes are in God’s hands alone. Do I believe this more than the voice of my fears?

Do I believe that the exact portion of manna – my daily bread – will be there without fail each and every day, even when I can’t see it in advance?

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever! Psalm 111:10

CS Lewis says, “Put first things first and second things are thrown in. Put second things first and you lose both first and second things.” What is my steady first?

And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, Deuteronomy 10:12

Fear of the Lord comes FIRST… before walking, loving, serving.

Fearing the Lord, in both reverence AND holy fear, must be my first. It has to trump all other fears in my life. In my hierarchy of fears, only one can sit on top. I can only serve one master. I can only have one true guiding core, giving me the lens to look at anything else that threatens me, putting them in their proper place.

Because what I fear most is what I will protect the fiercest. Where my eyes are focused is where my energy will be expended.

Without a fear of the Lord, I am prone to not only fear other things more, but to take liberties, let things slide, go through the motions, dismiss the quite voice of the Spirit, rationalize behavior. I begin to fear people, acceptance, being open-minded and accommodating more than I fear God. Not the life I was created for.

If my eyes are clearly focused on Him, any fears of the surrounding things will become more blurry… they won’t be so vividly in focus. I have to believe this to be true. I must fear my eyes slipping from His face. If my hope and faith and trust is in the Lord…If I really believe He is who He says He is, fear won’t have such a tight grip on me.

The reality is, it is so much easier said than done. Love is the welcoming open door, while fear is the hovering megaphone. Like all hard things, the academics are so much easier than the execution. So I continue to work out my faith with fear and trembling (Phil 2:12). God, please help me to fear You – to trust You – more than my fear of lesser things.